Psychoanalyze This

so I pickup Wannabe Freak Boy tonight from the only gay bar in town.  he is a regular customer and so yes I know more about him and his existence then I should know.  he gets in the car and is like, ” I stayed out later than I should because it seems like all these chicks kept coming up to me and expecting me to psychoanlyze them.”  so, okay, he didn’t say that exactly but it is basically what he said. 

then  Wannabe Freak Boy starts to tell me about this one 40 some year old chick who said, “I will pay you to point me in the right directions and listen to my problems.”  obviously, he didn’t take her money but if that was me and I just spent money for the cover charge and then my drinks then of course I would take the money.  how long was she going to keep him there for? 2:00a.m. ? when all the bars close and everyone gets kicked out? i listen to everyones problems already for free for as long as they are sitting in my cab.

but……….I am analyzing that [(dant dant dant) dramatic intro] his first story is just smoke leading up to the fire.

now we are in the Mc Donalds drive thru and Wannabe Freak Boy says, “You don’t understand”,  in other words…they didn’t want to talk about what you think they want to talk about.  I’m like OKAY.  with the voice inflection of “if you say so but I don’t want to know.” Does he listen to my subtly hint of voice inflection?  of course not.

he continues…”so this one chick, who is a lawyer, not a paralegal but a lawyer and (something else she did but I don’t remember), who is married to a cop

says, “I get bored with sex, my husband tries everything to arouse me but it doesn’t work, ya da yada ya da.”

then he jumps from that to say that he asked her,”Why did you ask me, (I guess she wanted to cheat on her husband with him), why are you telling me this, so on and so forth” and her reply was well I think you are hot and I want to sleep with you.”

obviously he didn’t sleep with her because I took him home alone. but he stops the story right there.  doesn’t tell me what he says to her.

now here is the fire.  his purpose of even telling me that was:

1. he wanted me to think that he is hot.

2. he wanted me to think about him and sex and another woman wanting him.

3. he wanted me to know that he is likable by other chicks.

why do I think that?  because there was no point to his story, and he didn’t finish it.  we still had about 10 min. left on the ride.

what do you think?

Call The Police…

so it is the end of the night, 2 in the a.m., and I just dropped off a regular, GB, he lives right on the causeway. downtown is literally 3 min. away. that is where my next pick up is at. all the bars closes at 2. by time i get there he is gone. i assumed he took another cab. there is no one about but i called him anyways.

1st ring …. no answer.
2nd ring….no answer.
3rd ring….”call the police, call the police.”
I say, ” Are you okay. Look don’t worry about it.”

I think that he is ornery because I wasn’t there before 2 and he is telling me to call the police on him to get my money.

“I’m on I….. R…. Dr.”

When he gave me the location I knew something was wrong.
The drive is literally a minute from where I was so I start driving towards it.
When I turn what do I see?
My customer, Mr. Epitome of Gay, lying on his back in the grass.
His “I am a loser boyfriend”…is sitting on top of him holding his head.

First thing I think, the dummy that i am, is that he had a heart attack, or he is so drunk he fell, and that he needs an ambulance.

In reality, Mr. Epitome of Gay is saying for calmly, “Get off of me, Get off of me, or she will call the police.”

Now I probably wouldn’t have called the police if Mr. I am a Loser Boyfriend got off of him. But he never did. Didn’t look like he planned on doing it at all.

So as I am talking to 911 dispatch, who by the ways can’t keep up with how fast I was talking, when the sheriff deputy shows up. Turns out Mr. I am a Loser Boyfriend had hit Mr. Epitome of Gay. In the eye.

So I lost out on a fare. Stayed out later to write up a report. and i didn’t even get any compensation for anything. By time I get home guess who calls?

Mr. Epitome of Gay. And he thinks I am his Girlfriend. Now he wants to chat. Tell me what happened. Then I find out while he is talking that he tipped the bartender $20 and he couldn’t give me $5 for non-cancellation. Talk about being annoyed, I was. Mr. I am a Loser Boyfriend ended up going to jail and guess who was planning on bailing him out the next day.

yeppers you got it.
Mr. Epitome of Gay

I guess we should change his name to Mr. Abused Wuss.

Can’t Shock the Old

My mom told me to go and wipe my nanny down because she didn’t bathe today.  “At least do her under arms and under her breasts.”

So I walk into my nanny’s room and in the process of trying to “SHOCK” her I say, “Come let me wipe your bubbies.”

She laughs and says, “Why you wanna wipe my bubbies for.”

I say, “You let me wipe yours you can wipe mine.”

In return she tells me….” Why I want to wipe your bubbies you have to get one dullaha (husband) to wipe it.”

The Royal Wedding Watching Party

With life so crazy who in their right mine has time to be up at 4am to watch the “Royal Wedding”?

Answer: My grandmother.

Now she planned on getting up. Had us set the channel and out alarms to make sure she was up.

My grandma is 84 soon to be 85 and we just nannynapped her from her sons and family in another country because they weren’t taking care of her. (They think she is just visiting but we are keeping her.) Although she has about 15 other grandchildren that lived close to her they never did things that most grandchildren do with their grandmother. So when this “Wedding” was announced and this has been the only thing she has been truly excited about, I said lets suprise her.

So, at 1 o’clock in the morning my sister was at good old Wally World looking for a tiara. At 3:45am we were in my nanny’s ( it is what I call her) room decorating it with tulle, paper lanterns, a wedding bell, and of course crowning her head with a tiara so that she could watch the wedding in style.

Of course everyone has to work so at 4:15 after my nanny was settled, my sister and I crashed on her couch and bed and went to sleep.

Was it worth it?
Definitely. She had a smile on her face when I woke up because she never expected to watch the wedding in such style.

I’ve Heard About You

I find that I say that a lot.  If someone has talked to me about someone and then I meet them I will say, “I’ve heard about you.”  

Just this morning I went to pick up a customer and she had order another cab to pick her up.  So the guy gets out of the van and walks up to introduce himself.  It so happens to be the owner of the company.  I introduce myself to him while I wait for “K” to come out and I say, “I’ve heard about you.”

Now why did I say that?  It is almost rude when you think about it.  What does he think that I’ve heard?  He says, “Oh yeah? What about?”  Now of course I can’t tell him what I’ve heard because then he would know who said what and not all of it is nice. 

So this is the impression I now have made on my competitor that I just met for the first time.  What does he think about me now?  Who knows. Is it rude? Most likely. But if  I find that I have heard about you and then I meet you I will say, “I’ve heard about you.”